Sharing Is Not Dumping

A question I am often asked is whether I "take work home with me." A reasonable question, and mostly asked by people in my personal life when they first discover that I work as a therapist. I suspect people's curiosity comes mainly from their own experiences with feeling burdened by their own jobs with their stresses and responsibilities.

However I also sense a deeper curiosity in their question. It seems there is an implicit acknowledgement that because patients bring their most difficult challenges to therapy, by the end of the day the therapist might end up loaded with all of that distress. Is therapy a kind of dump removal service, where the more clients I serve, the more dump I have to process? It's a logical question, even though I would never frame it in these terms. People truly feel burdened by their struggles (as do I sometimes), and may even refer to sharing them with someone as "dumping" on them. And so the question is asked: if people dump their burdens on each other, and everyone dumps on the therapists, aren't they the most burdened ones of all?

Photo by Aaron DeSilva

There are usually two things I say in response to this question. One has to do with my style of practice, which allows me to stay fluid and present in the face of patients' disclosures and emotions. The other has to do with how I manage my personal life, so I can show up in my practice fully energized and whole.

PRESENCE

I practice my craft primarily as a process of presence, where I allow our shared felt sense of connection to be the medium through which I learn about the other while also having an impact on them. The more I exert effort or have an agenda on where clients should get to, the more exhausted I get.

My main job is to meet the patient as if I met them for the first time, to allow memories to emerge as they may, and let them leave my consciousness when they exit. I am not required to hold onto what is shared, or what I experience in response to that. There is no burden I'm taking on.

STAYING WELL

The second point came from a realization that although the work can remain a dynamic process that belongs in the very moment it is conducted, the struggles in my personal life can very much influence how well I can show up in therapy. When my health, relationships, or livelihood are under duress, it is much harder for me to be fully present in a therapeutic encounter. This taught me the importance of a wholesome care of my own self and affairs. In a very real way it is my professional responsibility to enjoy my life and feel well-adjusted in it.

"Doctor, heal thyself!" (Luke 4:23)

In essence I believe and have also discovered that when the work of psychotherapy is done well it takes care of itself. Psychotherapy is essentially a barometer for the therapist that shows how on the ball they are. If I am too willful in a session, the dynamic immediately becomes tiresome. Conversely if I cannot stay fully present for external reasons it shows me that I need to pay closer attention to what is taking place in my life and why it infiltrates my practice. In any case, clients’ issues do not become burdens for me, even as they can hopefully unburden themselves in our sessions.